One of the key elements to quickly building trust and rapport with people is to learn how to actively listen. Most of us think that we're good listeners – most of us are wrong. Here are some tips & tricks for effective active listening.
DO
→ Let the other party dominate the discussion.
→ Be attentive, interested and alert to what they’re saying.
→ Give nonverbal acknowledgements (nod, lean forward, relax body, make eye contact).
→ Ask open-ended questions (i.e., not "yes/no" questions).
→ Be sensitive to any emotions expressed.
→ Be a “mirror” – reflect back to the other party the feelings they're expressing.
→ Provide limited but encouraging responses that carry the speaker's ideas forward.
→ Act as a sounding board for the speaker to bounce ideas and feelings off of.
→ Provide brief, noncommittal acknowledging responses, ("Uh-huh," "I see").
→ Invite the speaker to say more, e.g., "Tell me about it," "I'd like to hear about that."
→ Take notes (in a business situation). This will help you to focus on listening and keep track of other ideas that you'd normally interject, so you can save them for later.
DON’T
→ Discount the speaker's feelings by using stock phrases like "It's not that bad," or "You'll feel better tomorrow."
→ Ask too many questions – it can feel like you’re "grilling" the speaker.
→ Interrupt.
→ Change the subject or move in a new direction.
→ Rehearse in your own head.
→ Interrogate.
→ Teach, preach or give unsolicited advice.
→ Judge.
→ “One-up” the speaker’s stories – save it for later.
Specific Active Listening Skills
→ Attending, acknowledging: Provide verbal or nonverbal awareness of the other person, (i.e., eye contact, nodding, smiling).
→ Restating, paraphrasing: Respond to the speaker’s basic verbal message by rewording and seeking positive reinforcement that you understood correctly (“So do you mean that...”)
→ Reflecting: Reflect back feelings, experiences, or content that you’ve heard or perceived through cues (“Wow, it seems like that made you feel...”).
→ Interpreting: Offer a tentative interpretation about the other's feelings, desires, or meanings (“Does that mean that you...?” or “You must have been angry, how did you respond?”).
→ Summarizing, synthesizing: Bring together in some way the feelings and experiences the speaker has described, thereby providing a focus (“From that whole story, it sounds like this whole year has been pretty amazing!”).
→ Probing: Question in a supportive way that requests more information or that attempts to clear up confusions (“Wait, I don’t think I understood that last part, did you mean that...”).
→ Giving feedback: Share perceptions of the other's ideas or feelings; disclosing relevant personal information (“I know how you felt, something similar happened to me once and the experience also made me...” – but don’t “one-up”)
→ Supporting: Show warmth and caring in your own individual way.
→ Checking perceptions: Find out if your interpretations and perceptions are valid and accurate (“That makes me think that maybe you’re experiencing some problems with your operations and processes, does that sound right?”).
→ Being quiet: Give the other person time to think as well as to talk.
Adapted from: Pickering, Marisue, "Communication" in EXPLORATIONS, A Journal of Research of the University of Maine, Vol. 3, No. 1, Fall 1986, pp 16-19.